Ask Ang 2/5: Disclosing Virginity

I lost my virginity recently to this guy I had been seeing for awhile, but I didn’t say that that was my first time. I know I wasn’t obligated to tell him at the time, but I realize it’s important enough for me to let him know. I don’t know how to bring it up, what should I do?

First of all, it is important to understand that no one is ever required to disclose something about their sexual history that they don’t feel comfortable sharing. It might be helpful to think about why you feel the need to tell your partner. Do you feel embarrassed? Are you trying to establish more emotional intimacy with your partner? Do you feel like you need to explain yourself? Be honest with yourself, and make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and not just because you feel a sense of obligation.

If you do decide to bring it up, you can make it seem like less of a big deal by grouping it into a larger discussion about sexual health. You and your partner can talk about whether you’re seeing other people, what kind of protection you are using, when the last time was that you both were tested for STIs, what you are both looking for from the relationship, etc. Open communication in relationships is key, so talking about these things is important regardless, but this conversation can also serve as a good opening to casually mention that your partner was your first.

Don’t feel like you need to make it a big deal! We would be remiss to write an article about virginity without mentioning that it is a social construct. “Virginity” is not a medical term, and is rooted in heteronormative conceptions of sex and biblical notions of purity. “Losing your virginity” can mean lots of different things to different people. It can involve physical and emotional significance, or not mean much at all.

While we work towards a world free of the concept of virginity, decide for yourself whether it’s important to you. If it is, you can bring it up casually in a broader conversation about sexual health.

We hope this week’s edition of Ask Ang was helpful! If you have a question, please submit it to tinyurl.com/askang!